When I was unhealthy, I hungered for love, but I wasn’t capable. I never used someone on purpose, never lied. I was just very traumatized and couldn’t feel loved. Anyone that loved me must have loved my image and was deluded, because who I really was – wasn’t lovable.
It’s not like I hurt people and laughed detachedly atop a castle admiring my own superiority. I felt very broken, vulnerable and unlovable. I didn’t believe anyone could see through the armor that was my art. If they thought well of me, then they loved my work (my art , my image)… not Me.
I always tried to protect people from myself. I felt I was strong enough to handle myself but no one else would be, and I wouldn’t want them to either – because they would have to lose their innocence to behold the reality of me. That’s why art was like air: I needed it for survival – to process myself, to survive the demons within, to give them space to breathe so they don’t destroy me. The result of that process was art, and that was all I had to show. I had no heart, no loving feminine hearth, no hopeful womb; just my suffering, my passionate desire, my vision, and the traumas that obstructed my glory, cutting me off from music, my voice, my autonomy.
My crimes against humanity are rooted in shame, and I’m most ashamed of my shame, because it is the poison that destroys everything I love – most of all myself. But it is also the suffering that can be turned to beauty, to impress, allure and inspire. That alchemy is what it means to be alive.
But it’s an ongoing process, which marries me to my art and divorces me from humans. Being a mother, caretaker or “wife” to a human would stifle it. There are only so many hours in the day and if I spend 8 of them working meaningless jobs and 5 more making food and doing homework with children then there’s nothing left between me and Erosia. I lose my home, abandon my alien heritage. And I know I am here to bring Erosia to Earth. All the other mammals can have kids and work jobs, but my purpose is something I must sacrifice my humanity for. I can’t be tempted by the calls of family and flesh-bonds.
I would tell men this, but they still tried to tame me and change me, marry and sleigh me, fill my womb. So many other women want kids, want to be a mother.. why fixate on an alien like me? Obviously they just were on a power trip. “Tame the beast.”
And thats why I ended up with power, having them squirm at my feet, because they loved my image and not me; but when I told them that, they insisted on ignoring it, pretending I wasn’t what I am, even though I told them and showed them.
So if I hurt them, then they learned a lesson they needed to learn, which is that not everything fits into their personal narcissistic idyllic haven of a reality. And I learned over time to renounce many pleasures of the flesh to avoid getting mixed up with humans, and to seek fellow Erosians. I had to work on my communication skills to make sure I was attracting and repelling the right people. I had to learn to translate my experience to words, not just art, and present it clearly and plainly, like I am doing now. This enabled me to find love.