When I first got back into enneagram, I didn’t think I could be a four as people had suggested, though I saw the signs. My protest was that I don’t need an “identity” – that sounds contrived. I’ve known who I am all my life and I have a deep need to EXPRESS who I am. And ‘who I am’ is something I study deeply. I even practice crafts and arts so I can go into a trance and dig up some expression from deep inside myself when I’m not thinking. I try so hard to strip my soul naked and then wear the findings on my sleeve – in my art, my outfits, my passions. The idea of “identity” sounded so FRIVOLOUS. Like.. I thought of people who say “I’m gonna be goth this week 🙂 .”
Any time I saw some envious girl on the forum, flaunting a goth aesthetic… I would say to my friend in private, “look at that cunt, she’s a four.” I found the idea of identity so offensive when I spent my whole life trying to dig up and express who I am, and become who I want to be. And envy is even worse. Wanting to be someone else is UNFORGIVABLE when you have spent your whole life defining, refining and expressing who you are. Sure, I have been competitive with people… but my sense of self runs so deep, I could not possibly give it up just to “be more like” another person.
And on and on I kicked and screamed. Until someone nailed my kicking screaming pouting ass to the proverbial wall with a four case I couldn’t refuse.
Over the next few days it hit me. My friend came over, someone I knew all my life, and I told her about the 4 vs 8 dilemma, acting cool about it. Then she said “Well you know how you said counter phobic sixes are afraid of their fear? You have always been ashamed of your shame…”
I felt all the blood drain from my face. FUCK. “But I have no shame…” fuck. That wasn’t going to fly anymore.
The next day or so , I could not resist anymore and I fell to my knees and balled my guts out.
My identity was contrived… as a child. It was not “who I am” but rather, my ‘self’ was a somewhat arbitrary concept that I clung to. BUT IT DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY. So what is left? Am I totally deluded?
Shame.. I have no shame. None. I bare my soul, naked.. I hang nude art up at school… I walk around the dorm naked.. I fuck my crush in front of the whole party in the pool… I HAVE NO SHAME…. more tears.
Ok you got me. I do it all for love, for admiration… my sense of aliveness depends upon this IDENTITY I’ve created… my feelings are an addiction….
And when I see my fellow four Milo Yiannopolus boasting about how he has no shame… I just wish so fucking badly that I could unsee it all. But here I am.