4w3 and Image – The World is a Stage

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The world is a stage upon which I can act out my inner drama. The way I see it, I was exiled from Erosia, and my life’s purpose is to embody its essence and channel it here on Earth.

I don’t have conscious awareness of eyes on me moment to moment – as I am focused on my own passion and desires, and honing the talents which allow me to channel them. Since I don’t actively think about others’ reactions, I never thought of myself as ‘self conscious’ until I realized I was a four, and then I saw that self-conscious “look” pervading all my photos… and felt sick.  This tells me the self-consciousness may be so pervasive and constant that I don’t even notice it.

What is conscious for me is channeling what lies within. Most people associate themselves with certain symbolism, passions or hobbies – but for me, there’s a deep dive into my internal world, and a need to wear it on my sleeve, to embody it. Throughout my life, I photograph myself, write poetic diary entries, and write songs to encapsulate my emotional journey.  When things are most dramatic – breakups, arguments, trauma – I feel the most pressing need to capture that suffering in art.  This process is cathartic and sacred: it helps me follow my deepest experience, discover who I really am, shape myself into an ideal, and ultimately, connect to others.

I don’t want people to remember me as ‘some random nice person’ – I want to be known as the embodiment of Erosia – my own creation. I want my inner world to be symbolized in my actions, outfits, and art; and ideally, I want others to find parts of themselves in it. They associate me with desire, passion…. and whatever else Erosia evokes for them. When this happens, I approach ‘Holy Origin’ – as it shows that, in some way, my audience and I are cut from the same cloth. My expression of origin resonates with their experience of their own.  In turn, I tend to bring the people I love into Erosia, and express my experience of them with symbols in my art.

I don’t do this in a calculated fashion: I don’t think “how do I want to affect others?” — instead I find a way to wear my inner world on my sleeve or mirror it in art.  Ideally, the expression would match the inside to the outside – and make it beautiful in some way, even if only in its rawness or brokenness.

When I lost my voice and could no longer sing & perform, I felt like my pipeline to others was cut off and my inner world could no longer be ‘heard,’ which made me worthless, nothing special, nobody. I’ve shared this poem from back then, many times…

am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound.

So, to translate – I’m fine with being different, fine with being ‘alien,’ I don’t get lonely or have some need to change myself for ‘them’ — I am found and they are lost. But I need them to hear me, to see me, to behold me. This need keeps me ‘bound’ to “them.” I need an audience or else there is no show.

Art is a lifestyle and a state of mind, but my work is not limited to expressions of ‘self.’  My magnum opus is a fantasy series in another galaxy- which has little to do with ‘me’ or my personal history.  The protagonist is nothing like me, and Erosia, as a planet, is not a major focus of this series, though it does tie in ultimately.  The art is not always directly about me; but I live as a vessel through which my passions and visions emerge.  I sacrifice everything for my art, and I see this as an expression of the lines to 1 and 2: I am a martyr.  The expression of my passions is my mission, and I live for something greater than myself.  I hope to tap into something timeless and eternal that will outlast my body, my feelings, or my tribe – something so deeply primal that it’s universal.  My art would ideally function as a mirror in which others can see themselves, stripped bare.

* Note about other 4s, from Roshan:
Tennessee Williams sp/sx 4w3 wrote deeply personal plays about people,
as a dramatic playwright, he was portraying other people.  Oscar Wilde as well.  Every 4 isn’t just evoking their own personal mythology, but they are expressing their personal experience and there will be a poetic expression somehow.  They express a very personal inner world but in different ways.  The personal is universal.  This is four ‘introjection.’

Tritype “Triple Attachment” – Basics.

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The “attachment types” are 3, 6 and 9 – so when these come together into a tritype, it makes the “triple attachment” tritype.

Here’s the basic breakdown:
You can see that the most basic, primal points of enneagram are 3, 6 and 9 – the ones that are connected by a triangle.
9 is the “central ” gut type, between the gut types 8 and 1.
6 is the “central” head type, between head types 5 and 7.
3 is the “central” heart type, between heart types 2 and 4.

9, 6 and 3 can all struggle with being “out of touch” with the center, but the classic explanation is kind of.. unrealistic. So, the classic explanation is that 9 is out of touch with anger (gut), 3 is out of touch with their shame (heart), and 6 is out of touch with inner mind, thus looking for an authority (head).

This explanation is “classic” but it has to be taken as a ‘dichotomy’ or a jumping off point. Humans are complex. So some 9s have anger and some don’t, but the anger tends to be misdirected. There’s a struggle to pin down the source of anger and aim it DIRECTLY at the problem. So people might not type at 9 because they’ll claim “I’m angry all the time.” “I feel my anger.” Etc. But they might be repressing anger at the REAL core of the issue, while having all this other anger floating around.

Likewise, each of these types are slippery in the core. 6 is out of touch with its inner authority, but is also the biggest SKEPTIC, refusing to believe input coming from others without first putting it through questioning filters. At other times, sixes will have ‘blind faith’ and just latch on to an apparent authority. Three can attach their sense of ‘value’ to accomplishments and certain other premises “out there’ that make people give them applause, like being hot, smart, or other things that appeal to a specific audience they want to attract; and thus lose sight of the shame (of having no worth) that is driving the whole thing; or they can be very aware of feeling worthless and fearing failure.

But either way, there’s something slippery there. For 9, as Robin has taught me, they can “know and not know.” At the same time. And this tritype can be like that.

Now, let’s look at the triangle.

3 integrates to 6, which integrates to 9, which integrates back to 3.
3 disintegrates to 9 which disintegrates to 6 which disintegrates back to 3.
So if someone is triple attached, all their fixes integrate and disintegrate into their other fixes, and they can get into a loop where you can’t tell which one is core.

 

– by Erica Xenne

Shame

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Personal anecdote:

When I was unhealthy, I hungered for love, but I wasn’t capable.  I never used someone on purpose, never lied.  I was just very traumatized and couldn’t feel loved.  Anyone that loved me must have loved my image and was deluded, because who I really was – wasn’t lovable.

It’s not like I hurt people and laughed detachedly atop a castle admiring my own superiority.  I felt very broken, vulnerable and unlovable.  I didn’t believe anyone could see through the armor that was my art.  If they thought well of me, then they loved my work (my art , my image)… not Me.

I always tried to protect people from myself.  I felt I was strong enough to handle myself but no one else would be, and I wouldn’t want them to either – because they would have to lose their innocence to behold the reality of me. That’s why art was like air: I needed it for survival – to process myself, to survive the demons within, to give them space to breathe so they don’t destroy me.  The result of that process was art, and that was all I had to show.  I had no heart, no loving feminine hearth, no hopeful womb; just my suffering, my passionate desire, my vision, and the traumas that obstructed my glory, cutting me off from music, my voice, my autonomy.

My crimes against humanity are rooted in shame, and I’m most ashamed of my shame, because it is the poison that destroys everything I love – most of all myself.  But it is also the suffering that can be turned to beauty, to impress, allure and inspire.  That alchemy is what it means to be alive.

But it’s an ongoing process, which marries me to my art and divorces me from humans.  Being a mother, caretaker or “wife” to a human would stifle it.  There are only so many hours in the day and if I spend 8 of them working meaningless jobs and 5 more making food and doing homework with children then there’s nothing left between me and Erosia.  I lose my home, abandon my alien heritage. And I know I am here to bring Erosia to Earth.  All the other mammals can have kids and work jobs, but my purpose is something I must sacrifice my humanity for. I can’t be tempted by the calls of family and flesh-bonds.

I would tell men this, but they still tried to tame me and change me, marry and sleigh me, fill my womb.  So many other women want kids, want to be a mother.. why fixate on an alien like me?  Obviously they just were on a power trip.  “Tame the beast.”

And thats why I ended up with power, having them squirm at my feet, because they loved my image and not me; but when I told them that, they insisted on ignoring it, pretending I wasn’t what I am, even though I told them and showed them.

So if I hurt them, then they learned a lesson they needed to learn, which is that not everything fits into their personal narcissistic idyllic haven of a reality.  And I learned over time to renounce many pleasures of the flesh to avoid getting mixed up with humans, and to seek fellow Erosians.  I had to work on my communication skills to make sure I was attracting and repelling the right people. I had to learn to translate my experience to words, not just art, and present it clearly and plainly, like I am doing now. This enabled me to find love.

Erica Xenne 4w3-8w7-6w5 Sx/So

486 Sx/So

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Personal anecdote:

Q: Unhealthy Enneagram 4: “Wanna come over and destroy each other emotionally? It’s for my art.”

Keeping in mind the disclaimer that my whole tritype is 4w3-8w7-6w5 Sx/So, and my experience may or may not apply to other variations of fours, I will say that this reminds me of my old post.

i’d sample all the sounds of human destruction and write them into a drum beat. then i would sing over the beat, just to enforce my point. sing. destroy. create something beautiful manifested into the sounds, the movements, the voice of destruction.
if destruction had a voice, it would be mine.
if death could speak, it would sound the way i sound. 
i want to hear it all around me. i want to take the rest of the world with me. i want my music to show people what silence tastes like. let them lick their lips and swallow their shadows.
everybody has one. step into the fucking light. why do you think i only come out at night? i see too many shadows without help from the blazing ball of fire that crosses our horizon every morning and makes colors brighter. my vision is saturated and my fingers are melting every time i hear the soft sound of a piano. it strangles me like the kick of a man who beats the shit out of me after sex. i know he’s just doing it because i made him love me. it’s always my fault. i only love for the sake of creation, so what can i expect?

I was lovely when I was unhealthy, wasn’t I?
For context – I was a professional singer all my life, and lost my voice to an illness which left me speaking in a whisper permanently. I wrote that blurb in my diary, among many others, in the years that followed losing my voice.

I dyed my hair pink-red instead of red-red because I felt I was fake. I had lost my innocence and soul with my voice. I was undead, a reflection of my old self’s shadow, with the deepest darkness right at the surface. I was a vampire, preying on the blood of the living. I called this manifestation of myself “Anäeia” – pronounced like “Annihilate.” I envied the living for their innocence, their humanity, their mortality. I had to give up my immortal image of powerful beauty to rejoin the living and feel love again. I was very aware of that and spelled it out in my diaries and art throughout the process.

I preyed on the virginal innocents, and I figured if they gave in then they wanted to be destroyed. Their destruction was inevitable; the destroyer might as well be me. The one man who resisted my seductive artistic lusty advances gained tremendous power over me, for many years. He became an ideal I was too ruined to reach, and I knew – on the one hand, to possess him I would need to be human — on the other, I would realize, when I became human, that I had fallen in love with a lie. Because reality is never as perfect as the way I viewed him. He was merely a projection of my own lost childhood.

Q: Was the reward in all of it the feeling of immortality?

No, the immortality was a punishment.
Last night I spoke to God directly for the first time in my life and I asked Him to help me grasp my own fragility, and the fragility of the flesh.

My illness and my death bed, not to mention the loss of my voice; was not enough to cure me of my sense of immortality. To quote my own lyrics more recently:

Tell me the odds
I’ll beat them senseless
Summon the Gods
They’ll be defenseless

This is why I’ve been having panic attacks due to my health problems. There’s tremendous cognitive dissonance between my sense of immortality and power, and the threat of my body dying. I need help reconciling this, and I have finally realized my vulnerability in this area and begun to accept that I can’t do it alone.

Q: Are 4s attracted to souls that are already in pain and previously destroyed or do they want to destroy a healthy one?

When I was undead I envied the living. Want = hate.

“Tear people down to your own level of pain” kind of presumes that someone is coming from a place of “loneliness” or needing to connect. I can’t speak for other fours, as I know that being contraflow, Sx/So specifically and 8 fix has changed a lot of things. However, to speak for myself..

I really resonate with the idea of alienation. It’s not lonely, nor is it good or bad. It’s just something I’ve had to accept and deal with, that I’m not from the same planet as most others. I don’t dislike it; it gives me a sense of purpose and specialness. I don’t like it either per se; it can be difficult to have relationships with aliens who cannot connect to my planet; and my lust betrays me.

A poem I wrote after I lost my voice, says it all:

am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods
and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound

The reason this poem says it all, is I recognize I’m not ‘part of it’ and my feelings about that are somewhat neutral. But I still have this need for an audience. So I want my art to capture something that lies so deep within me that it actually touches what’s at the heart of ALL humans. This is how I reach “holy origin,” the sense of being cut from the same cloth. But the thing that motivates me (at the surface) to do that, is to be applauded; not to actually connect. Deeper down, there’s a need to connect which has been replaced by the need to be applauded; but that is not something I consciously feel especially when unhealthy.

So no, I don’t need to pull them down to my level or to make them suffer “like me,” unless it’s about hurting them in order to keep them around (like in a power game in romance). I got into those games with 6w5s, as a 6w5 fixer myself , and I know that’s where this particular urge comes from, the 6w5 fix. There was an intrigue in getting in these back and forth power games – who’s on top etc – with 6w5 cores.

But that was “easier” than dealing with the 4. They could love my power, my strong mind, my periphery. The only way to see “me” is through my art.

And 9s will say they want to ‘be seen.’ I don’t actually NEED or even want to be seen as a human. My compulsive desire is to be worshipped as an art piece. In order to rejoin humanity, I needed to reconcile my more human, regular, boring old need to just connect. But my image fixation makes me revert to wanting to be worshipped as an art piece from a distance. If people want to see my humanity they can look at my website, but I know that what they’ll really find on my website is a reflection of themselves. Which is really what they want, anyway.

This is why Prince Ruby Valentine – my male alter ego – has had this on his bio since his conception; because he understands that people generally just see a reflection of themselves in “the other.”

On my first typing thread in 2012:

On a deeper level, I live to expose my true self through my work. I feel I’m a vessel through which songs and stories emerge. The content serves as a mirror. It exposes parts of myself that are buried deep within my subconscious, and which might otherwise remain unnoticed. In sharing my work, I hope to function as a mirror for others. What success means, to me, is knowing that my fight to sing on my album, despite speaking in a whisper, has inspired someone else to create her own artwork. Success is hearing someone quote my lyrics or reference my stories because it expresses something SHE is feeling. I want people to see themselves in my work, rather than merely seeing “me.” I want to touch on something universal. And, through bearing my own soul, I hope to inspire others to express themselves honestly, and to pursue their dreams against all odds.

So I don’t have any deep need to bring them down to ‘feel the pain I’m feeling,’ or to suffer with me, because I don’t want to be SEEN as a human per se. What I want, is to be their muse, their Goddess, their inspiration; the image that comes into their mind at their most powerless. I want to have power over them, to move them, to touch them in every corner of their soul; I want them to see me in a vision and rip off my face and see themselves beneath it. I want to imbue myself deep inside people as a symbol.

What’s much harder for me is just being human. And I’ve been doing it, finally, these past few years.
I need to be careful to say, I might not speak for sync flow 4s, or 9 fixed 4s; especially on issues of power and immortality. Hopefully we will have other fours in the group also expressing themselves so we can get a fuller picture; this would also help me understand what about me is 4 and what is 8, 6, the whole tritype, etc.
Either way though, typing at four really helped me to pull back some of my own masks, the ones that were so deeply entwined in my self-image that I could not see my human face beneath. Probably the best way I can sum it up in a ‘4’ way is to point out the overuse of the word “expose” in my 2012 typing thread. There’s tremendous shame about being ‘exposed.’ I still don’t know what it is that I feel like would be exposed and it would be so awful. If the art piece was stripped away completely, what would I be? What is it that I’m so ashamed of? Probably shame itself is the top candidate.
By Erica Xenne4w3 8w7 6w5 Sx/So. “Counter shame” four.

Sx vs. Soc

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Common Misconception: Sx = Intimacy. 

Here, I posted an exchange I had today on a forum, addressing this.

Question:
Interesting. I’m a bit confused, though, especially about the last paragraph. What’s the difference between So and Sx again? There was a site that said that So is “personal connection” and Sx is “intimacy.” Sounds like the same thing to me. When you say that he enjoys merging with the fascinating qualities about you, that sounds like ‘connecting’ to me. Connecting and merging sounds like the same thing to me. So, if you wouldn’t mind, what’s the difference between So and Sx?

Anyway, you make some interesting points, and maybe this could explain why so many people type themselves as Sx (because they’re perhaps under the impression that Sx is one-on-one relationship, depth, romance, etc. and that So is group interactions and communities and so on). I guess I tend to be under this impression myself as well.

Answer:
Thanks for the interest and the thoughtful question.

Social is, at root: bonding, warmth, interpersonal intimacy, relationships, love between two people, friendship, having each other’s back. It is also the human need that lies behind the sentiment of loneliness. (Any instinct type can feel lonely.)

If you think about it, not all your close relationships are sexual. You might have a one-on-one intense bond with your brother or sister, or one of your parents, or perhaps your teacher or boss who is elderly when you’re a child; but none of these bonds (under typical healthy conditions) would be sexual. You can bond deeply with your sister without there having to be ‘sexual charge.’ So what would you call your intense, trusting, loving relationship bond with your sister? That would be social. And this extends to your friends.

Sexual is, at root: heat, allure, transformation, sexual intimacy eros. There’s a sense that you want to penetrate and be penetrated by the other person entirely, as though being absorbed into their being; tearing down all walls. (This is often mistaken for intimacy, but it isn’t necessarily, unless the Social instinct is also at play.) It is also the human need that lies behind obsession, limerence. (Any instinct type can experience this.) There’s an addictive quality to it, whether or not you’re actually intimate with the person.. you want them to want you.

In French, orgasm is called “la petite morte” – the little death. This is because when making love, you’re naked, exposed, without walls. You spill your life seed into, or upon, another. Fluids are mixed. Boundaries are lost, and when boundaries are lost, it’s impossible not to transform; to be reborn.

The reason sex has been deemed ‘sinful’ and bad is because it’s too destructive to society – it brings unexpected changes. People who were otherwise loyal to their family, or their job, or “the state” – will suddenly throw it all away for the sake of passion. Or that is what they fear. Sx instinct has a transformative quality.. it is there to strip you down, expose you and entice you, leaving you wide open. In this sense, Sexual Instinct has a danger to it. It can be scary, overwhelming.

Sx dominants are tuned into enticement, allure; they can’t turn it off. There’s a sense they’re always penetrating into you, using some type of luring siren signal, like the way birds show off their bright feathers and sing to impress a mate. All of that is sexual signaling and humans do it very similarly – through dressing up, showing virtuosity to entice (music, art etc).

Now this does not mean that “Sx dominants are sluts.” Quite the contrary, in many cases. The Sx dominant is so deeply attuned to chemistry that they can tell whose chemistry mixes best with theirs. When this instinct is first, it can be very selective, holding out for the hottest person, some kind of Ideal Other who would attract them and allure and entice them for all eternity.

This can, of course, develop into a sense of intimacy very quickly- since there’s an addictive quality, wanting to get deep into every part of the lover’s psyche. But this is a very different type of intimacy than that which you experience with your sister. The type with your sister will outlast most of your sexual relationships. The intimacy with your lover is more penetrating and intense, but it is not in and of itself based on common interests, trust, deep bonding and so forth; until Social instinct comes into play.

And we must remember that people are whole – we are not “just one instinct.” So an Sx/Sp and Sp/Sx couple will become bonded on a social level. Just as an So/Sp and Sp/So couple will enjoy heat and intensity, and want to allure each other. The question is, where does your attention automatically lie? What is the primary call of your instinctual senses? Which instinct is on all the time, in all situations, constantly guiding you, alternately holding you back and propelling you forward?

The Limits of Descriptions

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A type is a living breathing pattern that manifests through living breathing people. Once someone has years of experience with typology, the type starts to come to life. There’s more than words on a page; there’s a rhythm, a chemistry. This is what type really is. And once you understand that rhythmic essence of the types, then the descriptions become a ‘guide’ rather than scripture. Jung and Gurdjieff knew this – they were describing archetypes, not full people, and both were careful to explain that their systems (Cognitive Functions and Enneagram, respectively) were about a fundamental underlying gestalt which underlies the psyche of anyone that embodies that archetype.

If you can feel the types, and see them in motion in actual humans, it is clear that no description on its own is adequate. The various descriptions are maps and the people are the trees and the houses. The underlying gestalt of each archetype is clearly the same throughout each system, even if descriptions by different authors contradict each other – at least to my eye. Not everyone sees the world the way I do, but I certainly don’t gain much anymore from arguing about this description vs. that. It is a necessary stepping stone toward understanding what type is, but I don’t see how tit for tat cut-and-paste does anything to bring a type to life and make it breathe, so that a human may embody its essence. Once we get past that second-grade cut and paste, we graduate to the world of archetypes and rhythm of the world. Yacking about this definition vs that, is no longer relevant.

When you hear a piece of music, do you argue that someone else played the notes in a different syncopation? Fur Elise is Fur Elise, no matter who plays it. It can be to a rock beat, a jazz beat.. it’s still the same fundamental melody and chords. This is what makes it Fur Elise. You can argue that someone completely changed it, but if you heard that intro and you said “Fur Elise!” then your gut knew what song it was. This is the same for types.

Nature vs. Nurture

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The nature vs nurture argument is a lot to unpack.  Parental orientation has been interpreted in a many ways – but the enneagram field has largely rejected the idea that enneagram type develops due to “nurture.” The common interpretation is that parental orientation occurs because of your nature.

Arguably, two siblings might respond very different to the same parents because they are naturally two different types; so the child ‘invites’ the particular parental orientation associated with their type. Still, even that has been under scrutiny, because in a lot of cases, it just doesn’t add up with reality.

In order to make sense of it one must dig beyond the surface. For instance I’m a four. Fours are supposed to be separate from both parents, but I was close with my parents.  So what does this mean?  It means I focused on an identity that was inherently alien or separate from them, developing my own personal mythology on an alien world, and spending most of my brain-power on that “dissection of self’ rather than on family matters. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t close to them.

I’ve seen countless stories where people claim that they don’t match their type’s parental orientation, but upon talking to them further it’s more that their nature invites this orientation with others.  For instance, they look for mothers and fathers, nurturers and protectors, in other people in a certain manner that displays their type.  Two siblings do this differently, according to their own type’s makeup.

Crown of the Enneagram

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People often mistype at 9, taking it literally. “My biggest fear is losing my loved ones, losing myself, losing my lifestyle.”  Sure.  That’s human.

9 is the crown of the enneagram because it deals with the central theme that enneagram exists in order to confront, which is that life is impermanent, and none of us know our true essence.  We have to build up defenses to survive in this world, as a necessity.  Those defenses form patterns, which can be understood as enneagram types.  Many claim enneagram is inborn and it is clearly observable in babies.  What this means is, the brain is programmed a certain way which lends itself to the emergence of a specific pattern.  The innate need for a survival pattern is essentially human, and that’s why everyone has an enneagram type.

So why do we have to “survive” through defenses?  Because people perceive themselves as separate entities, separated from one another.  People perceive “you against me” and “me vs. death.”  They see life as separate from death; thus, a fear of separation occurs.  You are separate from death, so how do you retain your life?  There’s a fear of impermanence and of the inevitability we all have to face: that one day, we will lose everything.

9s take this fear on at the deepest level: to combat this fear, they don’t hold tightly to anything, including their own ego.  This is the misty 9 vibe that people talk about – not quite “owning” their aggression, not owning their own self, going with the flow. This is their attempt to defend against impermanence and it can bring on a kind of ‘premature enlightenment.’  I’m not separate, combative. I am not even “just me” – I have a permeable ego, and nothing can hold me for long. The 9 is slippery.

This is the crown of the enneagram, as it is the purest manifestation of the defense against death, which reads to our mind as “impermanence and losing everything” since we see it as being separated from our life and our ego, rather than seeing ourselves as simply part of a grand cycle.  We need our ego in order to push ourselves to survive.  Without ego, why take care of our kid instead of every kid equally, regardless of the effects this has on our own offspring?  Life would fall apart without ego but, at the same time, it’s still a delusion. A necessary delusion. Since everyone believes it and lives by it, that, in a way, makes the ego very “real.”

So is it really a delusion? I don’t know. It’s more like a coping strategy that results from the reality of how the human mind works.

The other core types are additional defenses against losing yourself, impermanence, nothingness, dissolution.  Each type is a fixation on a different aspect of the human experience. We all have all these experiences and “sides” to us, which is why many of us can relate to many types, if not all, if we are honest with ourselves.  But each type gets fixated on a specific aspect of the experience of being human, thus forming a different core defense pattern.

Enneagram can’t be conceived of as a mere set of traits.  Motivations do not exist in a vacuum, and behavior should evidence the core motivation; but in order to spot a type, we need to understand what lies at its essence.  To truly grasp the meaning of enneagram, it has to be understood in terms of the egoic battle against impermanence.

“Why Can’t I find my Type?”

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The ego resists seeing its own defenses.

We need our defense strategies (enneagram) and biases (functions) for a reason. These strategies give the mind a pattern that it can learn to protect itself from chaos.

The defenses work on automatic..so uncovering the truth about them weakens them and leaves the ego bare, exposed, raw.

Over time it helps to see ourselves, so that we may use our defenses but prevent them from using us …

But at first, exposing the truth about our automatic reactions and “inner settings” forces us to change. The ego resists changing because it is scared of exposure and chaos…rightfully so. Whether or not someone types correctly, it is only a strong ego that can digest the true meaning of its own type… and even then, the ego will continue defending itself by creating distortions around that idea, such as taking pride in your type, being ashamed, creating internal drama around it… all of which distracts from looking at the self objectively. Embracing the deep value of typology, on an egoic level, is a lifelong journey.