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Kilian

Sp/Sx: indulgence and abstinence

By | Kilian | No Comments

The Self Preservation instinct brings out a great dichotomy between indulgence and abstinence.

Self Preservation is connected to earth and hearth. It seeks to preserve the flame (of life): both metaphorically and literally. Self Preservation with the Social element (Sp/So) applies social order and -currency to this endeavor. Acquiring resources via trade and commerce.
In contrast, Self Preservation with the Sexual element (Sp/Sx) lacks this interactive quality. It is less ‘available’ – harder to reach – when it comes to the dynamics of the man-made clock and other media of such nature (including Facebook and WordPress). I am not speaking of frequency here, otherwise extroverted people could not be of the Sp/Sx variety – no, I am speaking of style: conversations do not follow the social code and relationships can seem to vary wildly in both status and approach. They lack social structure.

Where the Social element introduces order, the Sexual element introduces chaos: a reverence of the eternal, a union with the cosmic consciousness. Sp/Sx is identified with the Self above all, and because of this, a surrender to the all is unlikely (this is territory of Sx/So and So/Sx). Sp/Sx, singular in its nature -being ‘blind’ socially – then seeks to employ this desire for chaos and the eternal through an identification of the self as the sole object. In other words, it seeks to be(come) immortal.

Where Sp/So seeks immortality via the passage of tradition and culture, passing on the flame if you will, Sp/Sx seeks it by ‘merging’ the flame with itself. Absorption of life essence, vampiric in nature, with similarities to Sx/Sp: the greatest difference being that Sx/Sp employs one’s own mortality on the quest for union – showing a desire to replace the self with the other. This is sacrilegious to Sp/Sx, as the development and nurture of one’s own qi (ch’i, life force), regardless of belief system, is paramount for the Self Preservation instinct. It is not something to “waste.” (Waste, indulge/binge <> abstain, ascetic.) Surrender, then, becomes difficult.

Self Preservation is attuned to life, and as a natural consequence of this, to death. It concerns the cycle of life and death. Growth, birth, health. Sickness, death, decay.
As Sp/So establishes the continuation of this cycle via transactional means, Sp/Sx seeks to continue it via self-obsession/-possession. Even when obsessions can lead one’s focus astray, it will not shift the general comfort of a way that is primarily oriented towards the self and one’s toil. This includes a way that orients itself towards rejecting said toil. The toil necessary for growth, birth, health, and the toil necessary to fight sickness, death, decay.

Abstinence is the barren grey/white/ivory limbo in-between the luscious indulgence of black death/void and red/blue life/breath/flame. It is the realm of stoicism and lonely statues. It consumes without absorbing. It doesn’t live, nor does it die. It is a state of unnatural immortality: undeath.

Type 6: Direction – less

By | Kilian | No Comments

Imagine yourself alone in the middle of a field. The field is surrounded by dense forest and you can’t see beyond the first lines of trees and foliage. You are prepared: you are wearing your favorite boots, resilient pants, flexible top. You brought a good knife to pave a path through the forest and ward off any attackers. You feel strong and attractive. But… where do you go? Just go in blind? No, you need to know where you’re going, lest you spend all your good preparation on a wasteful journey. And worse, it would take twice as much from your resources to turn back around and start cutting a different path if you were to change your mind. No, better to know upfront, so you don’t get stuck with any mistake you may make. Let’s not move until you figure out what destiny awaits. In the meantime, you hear noises coming from the forest and you see some movement in the leaves. What’s that? Friend or foe? If foe, can I ward them off, or perhaps avoid? If friend, is their path a good one to follow also? Perhaps we could journey together. Do I stay or do I go?

This little story is a metaphor for a state of mind that I have endured for many years of my life. It is analysis paralysis, fueled by depression and great angst. It is the ‘freeze’ response to imagined danger, and this imagined danger is, at heart, a fear of the world. A fear that great cannot be fought, it cannot be fled from, and it cannot be waited out. There is no solution to it, as long as we remain fixated on this fear. Faith in the world, in the self, or in any other ‘thing’ is not the solution either, as trying to find a solution is, in itself, the problem, and is still a fixation on fear. Faith is no solution at all; instead it simply is. We are where we are on our journey because it is exactly where we were meant to be. With this understanding, – and it is an understanding one can only experience, not read or be told – you can respect the world, this includes oneself, within its bounds, and lose the egoic need to control the outcome.

Today, I have found that going anywhere at all – as long as I am moving with intent – is the answer to this dilemma. It matters not if I ‘know’ what lies ahead. In all likelihood, I’d be wrong anyway. We cannot predict the future, and attempting to do so is delusional – we are not God, we cannot know – and that is the work of the type 6 devil in each of us. So be afraid, nod at it knowing that it is there to trick you, and step forward anyway.