The world is a stage upon which I can act out my inner drama. The way I see it, I was exiled from Erosia, and my life’s purpose is to embody its essence and channel it here on Earth.
I don’t have conscious awareness of eyes on me moment to moment – as I am focused on my own passion and desires, and honing the talents which allow me to channel them. Since I don’t actively think about others’ reactions, I never thought of myself as ‘self conscious’ until I realized I was a four, and then I saw that self-conscious “look” pervading all my photos… and felt sick. This tells me the self-consciousness may be so pervasive and constant that I don’t even notice it.
What is conscious for me is channeling what lies within. Most people associate themselves with certain symbolism, passions or hobbies – but for me, there’s a deep dive into my internal world, and a need to wear it on my sleeve, to embody it. Throughout my life, I photograph myself, write poetic diary entries, and write songs to encapsulate my emotional journey. When things are most dramatic – breakups, arguments, trauma – I feel the most pressing need to capture that suffering in art. This process is cathartic and sacred: it helps me follow my deepest experience, discover who I really am, shape myself into an ideal, and ultimately, connect to others.
I don’t want people to remember me as ‘some random nice person’ – I want to be known as the embodiment of Erosia – my own creation. I want my inner world to be symbolized in my actions, outfits, and art; and ideally, I want others to find parts of themselves in it. They associate me with desire, passion…. and whatever else Erosia evokes for them. When this happens, I approach ‘Holy Origin’ – as it shows that, in some way, my audience and I are cut from the same cloth. My expression of origin resonates with their experience of their own. In turn, I tend to bring the people I love into Erosia, and express my experience of them with symbols in my art.
I don’t do this in a calculated fashion: I don’t think “how do I want to affect others?” — instead I find a way to wear my inner world on my sleeve or mirror it in art. Ideally, the expression would match the inside to the outside – and make it beautiful in some way, even if only in its rawness or brokenness.
When I lost my voice and could no longer sing & perform, I felt like my pipeline to others was cut off and my inner world could no longer be ‘heard,’ which made me worthless, nothing special, nobody. I’ve shared this poem from back then, many times…
am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound.
So, to translate – I’m fine with being different, fine with being ‘alien,’ I don’t get lonely or have some need to change myself for ‘them’ — I am found and they are lost. But I need them to hear me, to see me, to behold me. This need keeps me ‘bound’ to “them.” I need an audience or else there is no show.
Art is a lifestyle and a state of mind, but my work is not limited to expressions of ‘self.’ My magnum opus is a fantasy series in another galaxy- which has little to do with ‘me’ or my personal history. The protagonist is nothing like me, and Erosia, as a planet, is not a major focus of this series, though it does tie in ultimately. The art is not always directly about me; but I live as a vessel through which my passions and visions emerge. I sacrifice everything for my art, and I see this as an expression of the lines to 1 and 2: I am a martyr. The expression of my passions is my mission, and I live for something greater than myself. I hope to tap into something timeless and eternal that will outlast my body, my feelings, or my tribe – something so deeply primal that it’s universal. My art would ideally function as a mirror in which others can see themselves, stripped bare.
Tennessee Williams sp/sx 4w3 wrote deeply personal plays about people,